Daily Funny Jokes

How a female goes about when she wants a drink.

[caption id="attachment_227" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="How a female thinks when she wants drink"][/caption]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m an honest loyal wife, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’

‘I never know how much of what I say is true.’ – Bette Midler

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’ . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can. – Margo Kaufman

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. – Alice Thomas Ellis

‘It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.’