Daily Funny Jokes

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull.  ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

A priest offered a nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.  After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand.  But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologised, ‘Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:   If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! “Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.

“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”

The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain inspired his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate ships. “Captain, captain, what should we do?”

“First mate, bring me my red shirt!” The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.

The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. “It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!

“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?” The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate….bring me my brown pants!”

One day, a very scholarly gentleman, while travelling in India,decided to go across big river, so he asked one of the village people who owned a small boat, if he would take him, to this request the boatman agreed.

As they started, the sun became obscured by dark clouds, and as the river was large, the gentleman realised that the crossing would take some time. So he started a conversation with the boatman.

“Did you know that the sun is approximately 93,000,000 miles away, and yet it has provided heat and light, throughout the universe since time immemorial, baring that, if it was to shift, even a fraction of an inch out of its orbit, there would be total devastation?”

The boatman replied; “My dear sir, I am just a simple man who has had no education, there is no way I could know such information”

“Then” said the gentleman “You are 25% fool”.

Some time passed, and as they were coming to the half way mark, the thunder began to rumble.

“Did you know notice the lightening, just before the rumbling sound”. The gentleman asked. He continued. “Do you know how that phenomenon occurs”

“No sir” replied the boatman.

“Its occurrence is due to the expansion of rapidly heated air,” the gentleman exclaimed, “You are 50% fool”.

About three-fourth of the way the weather completely changed. It became dark and started to rain heavily and started filling up the little boat with water clearly making it difficult for the boatman. But the foolish gentleman insisted in questioning.

“Do you know how we get rain”,

“No sir,” was the reply.”

“The sun evaporates water from the sea, this gets stored in the clouds which then travel by be wind power, then when they become full, it lets all the water go, over the land. That’s how we get rain.”

“You are 75% fool.” Said the gentleman, now feeling very smug.

The gentleman was suddenly interrupted from his basqueing by a loud cry from the boatman,

“Oh no! I have lost my oar and now the water is about capsize the boat, we have no alternative but to swim the remainder of the way, luckily for us it is not very far.”

“But I can’t swim,” cried the gentleman now seeing his own imminent death.

“Then my dear sir, you are 100% fool” said the boatman.

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ‘Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!’
The passer by says, ‘You are mistaken, I am Mexican!’
The man goes on and encounters another passer by. ‘Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !’
The person says, ‘I not British, I Polish!’
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, ‘Thank you for the wonderful Britain !’
That person puts up his hand and says, ‘I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !’
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, ‘Are you a British?’
She says, ‘No, I am from Africa !’
Puzzled, he asks her, ‘Where are all the British?’
The African lady checks her watch and says ‘Probably at work’

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”