Daily Funny Jokes

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!

Source: Email forward

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”

“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”

Source: Email forward

Cigarette
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Marriage
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce
Future tense of marriage

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”.

Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc…
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”

Pessimist
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

Miser
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal
A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.

Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, “No problem, I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.St.Peter is having lunch – and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,”My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we’re already getting refugees!”

A photographer in a near-death situation to get his perfect shot.

Source: Email Forward

The below images are part of a photo campaign by Traffic Police of Hyderabad. But this is relevant to all India cities for sure!

For the record, road driving sense index of Hyderabad was measured lowest in the country and even far lower than underdeveloped countries.

Idiot Number Six of 2009

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him This guy doesn’t need an award, he probably figured it out himself.

Number Five Idiot of 2009

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21. The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs an award!

Number Four Idiot of 2009

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Oh, that’s smart. Give him his award.

Number Three Idiot of 2009

A true story out of San Francisco : A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo . After waiting a Few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the street told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was Arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .

Don’t bother with this guy’s award. He probably couldn’t read it anyway.

Number Two Idiot of 2009

Early this year, some airline employees on the airfield decided to Steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed with the airline.

Here’s your award, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.

Number One Idiot of 2009

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here’s your award, lady. Wear it with pride.

1. Sit up. Say “time to make the doughnuts.” Leave. Do this often.
2. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.
3. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at any areas of the room that are sunny.
4. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say “hello.” Look confused and hang up.
5. Answer the alarm clock when the phone rings and vice versa.
6. Hang your posters upside down.
7. Unwrap a candy bar. Throw the chocolate away. Eat the wrapper. Smile.
8. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.
9. Constantly drink from an empty glass.
10. Announce “nature is calling.” Run for the phone. Answer it.
11. Seal an envelope. Write a letter. Complain loudly that you cannot get it into the envelope. Discard and repeat.
12. Aerate your underwear drawer. Claim “they” are not getting enough oxygen.
13. Every time you handle something of your roommate’s, use a tissue or gloves.
14. Respond to your roommate’s questions with unrelated answers.
15. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
16. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
17. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up say, “That was your mom. She said she’d call back.”
18. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed.
19. Start wearing a crown all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off say, “What the hell do you think you are? A king?”
20. Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, but leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it and then say, “Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.
21. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
22. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
23. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, “Psst! Is it gone?”
24. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you usually would.
25. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull’s eye.
26. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
27. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he/she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the empty side of the room with concern.
28. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream in pain. Cry hysterically for a few minutes and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
29. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate’s head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
30. Everytime you see your roommate yell, “You son of a bitch!” and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
31. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again.”
32. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.”
33. Talk back to your “Rice Krispies”. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”
34. Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can’t guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
35. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares.
36. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate’s idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
37. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apoligize to the camel.
38. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roomate that the lobster is making up its own rules.
39. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos just aren’t what they used to be.”
40. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
41. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you’re going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
42. Every time you wake up, start yelling, “Oh my God! Where the hell am I?!?” and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don’t know what he/she is talking about.
43. Buy a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” for lunch every day. Eat the straw and napkin. Throw everything else away.
44. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you!” and storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
45. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roomate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
46. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed. Insist that you don’t know how they got there.
47. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
48. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your turn.”
49. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate’s possessions out of the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
50. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.
51. Start dressing like a Native American Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
52. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they are stupid and they don’t know what they are talking about.
53. Steal something valuable of your roommate’s. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
54. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the lightbulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of lightbulbs.
55. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate that it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
56. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it and explain, “It had to be done.”
57. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
58. Leave the room at random, knock on the door and wait for your roommate to let you back in. Do this often.
59. Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn’t take it anymore.
60. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, “We’ll continue this later,” while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you don’t, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don’t, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,
If you don’t, you are ‘not understanding’.

If you visit her often, you are boring,
If you don’t, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don’t, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it is bad,
If you aren’t, she thinks you don’t love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you don’t respect her,
If you don’t, she thinks you don’t like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait,
If she is late, she says it’s a girl’s way.

If you visit other men, you are not putting in quality time,
If she is visited by other women, “Ah! It’s natural, we are girls.”

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her cross the street, you lack ethics,
If you do, she thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction.

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting,
If she is stared by a man, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful.

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”

The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”