Daily Funny Jokes

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m an honest loyal wife, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge.

The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, “If I get one more tuna sandwich, I’m going to jump off this bridge.” The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, “If I get one more ham sandwich, I’m going to jump off this bridge.” The Irishman then says, “If I get one more egg sandwich, I’m going to jump off this bridge.”

The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die. At their funeral, the Englishman’s wife says, “If only I’d known he didn’t like tuna.” The Scotsman’s wife says, “If only I’d known he didn’t like ham.”

The Irishman’s wife says, “I don’t understand it. He made his own sandwiches.”

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always awake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn’t help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function andthen he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes awaywith her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out”.

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Thanksgiving morning..

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled aback her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tip-toed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you”.

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got ‘em all back in.”