Daily Funny Jokes

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At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to our mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mail-man at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mail-man drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your father a big hug.”

1. The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon period,you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage, you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You’ve calmed down a bit,perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Fuck you!”

5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room…..

An Aboriginal bloke goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks , “How much do you charge for DA hour,sister?”

“$100,” she replies.

He says “Okay, do you do Aboriginal style?”

She says “No”

“I’ll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style” he said.

She again says “No” since she doesn’t know what Aboriginal style is.

So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer.

So finally he says, “I’ll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with me!”

Finally, she agrees, thinking, “Well I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now, I’ve been there and I’ve done that: had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world, how bad could Aboriginal Style be?”

So she goes ahead and has sex with him – doing it in every kind of way and In every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the Hooker turns to him and says, “That was fantastic. I’ve never enjoyed it so much, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the ‘Aboriginal style’ come in?”

The Aboriginal replies “Send DA bill to DA Gub’ment.”

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always awake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn’t help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function andthen he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes awaywith her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out”.

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Thanksgiving morning..

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled aback her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tip-toed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you”.

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got ‘em all back in.”