Daily Funny Jokes

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ‘Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!’
The passer by says, ‘You are mistaken, I am Mexican!’
The man goes on and encounters another passer by. ‘Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !’
The person says, ‘I not British, I Polish!’
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, ‘Thank you for the wonderful Britain !’
That person puts up his hand and says, ‘I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !’
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, ‘Are you a British?’
She says, ‘No, I am from Africa !’
Puzzled, he asks her, ‘Where are all the British?’
The African lady checks her watch and says ‘Probably at work’

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always awake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn’t help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function andthen he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes awaywith her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out”.

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Thanksgiving morning..

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled aback her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tip-toed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you”.

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got ‘em all back in.”

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something  about it.
So, Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told  him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
‘Boss’, he said, ‘ The pill actually worked!’
‘That’s all fine’ said the boss, ‘ But where were you yesterday?’

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.

“Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”

“Okay,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’…”

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”