Daily Funny Jokes

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This is for the dozens & dozens of people who wanted more information about farts … !!

All about FARTS

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How a female goes about when she wants a drink.

How a female thinks when she wants drink

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”

“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”

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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his Audience. He Said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”

Laughter and Applause!!!
A week later, a top manager trained by the Motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke At home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to His wife who was preparing dinner, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my Wife!”

The wife went; “ahhhh!” with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story: Don’t Copy if you can’t PASTE

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Cigarette
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Marriage
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce
Future tense of marriage

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”.

Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc…
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”

Pessimist
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

Miser
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal
A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.

Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, “No problem, I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.St.Peter is having lunch – and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,”My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we’re already getting refugees!”